I've been an artist for ten years and I just found out I am color blind. The doctor's diagnosis came right out of the orange.

(Bart sits solemnly on a street corner, head in his hands as he laments a failed attempt at stealing back Springfield's treasured Lemon Tree from the Shelbyville-ians) 

Bart: "It's no use. I'm never gonna find that tree. This whole raid was as useless as that yellow, lemon-shaped rock over there."

(Bart's eyes widen as he comes to a sudden revelation) Bart: "Wait a minute...There's a lemon behind that rock!"

When you go to the bathroom you’re Russian. When you come out you’re Finnish. What are you in between?


My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.

Great things about being a millennial:
1) Debts wrought by incommensurate relationship between tuition and labour wages will be absolved by the collapse of capitalism
2) Opportunity to witness apocalypse first-hand
3) Computer skills

What's brown and sticky? A stick.

Maybe in the 19th century, I would have written a novel, but thankfully in this century I can just post an image of a pigeon eating trash near some Mardi gras beads and feel accom- plished.